I am feeling,I odn't know. Just blah tonight. I mean over all pretty decent. I have had an exciting week with work and exercise actually so not so sure why so blah. I played in our first co-ed softball game today of the season. We lost very enthusiasticly 20-5. ouch. I am on 2 teams so an hour after that we had a practice for the other and I am determiend to convince myself I lost at least 2 good pounds from all the sweating and running. Oh, my period started!!!! I was sooo excited to see that. I was beginning to worry about it getting too far off track again which would make it nearly impossible to try to conceive at home at all. Not that I am so sure we can do it without our special doc, however, I want to opportunity to try. Maybe the blah is some poor news for my mom. She is 53 years old and she and my stepdad are trying to adopt. The Haiti earthquake has sent her into a "save the children" mode and she is crusading through every adoption agency possible until she is approved to adopt. She is not looking for a specific "kind of kid". Meaning, she doesn't have to only save international children, or just American kids, she is an equal opportunity adopter! lol However, a child in desperate need of love they found in Honduras was yanked from hospital from his Mom and they don't believe she will be able to nurse him to health. So we are all praying for this child that his Mom can pull through for him or return him if she can't. But, Mom is a great mom. So...no matter the child, younger or older, she will be prefect for him or her and i have no doubt about it. This was a weird tale of information tonight for this post...it must be my blah mood.lol

PCOS strikes again!

All my life I have been fit and fairly active. I haven't had any problems with weight, although if you had asked me if I do have weight problems when I was a teenager I would bet my life that I was over weight! lol But I wasn't, I was thin and just self consious. As an adult in my 20's I have loved my size and even felt comfortable when I gained 20 pounds. I felt I looked a little curvier and even sexier, but now with an additonal 25 pounds on that, not so much anymore! I feel bloated and exhausted and like I can't stop gaining weight! Well, this is because until recently, I wasn't effected by my PCOS in terms of weight, just sugar and infertility. Now....its my weight too. I just want to cry. I had my first period on Feb. 8th since deciding to take a break on getting pregnant. My period never started again so after 3 negative pregos test I called the doc and they prescribed a couple tests. My doc just called a couple days ago and said I had just ovulated 5 - 10 days ago! What! My period was almost 2 months ago! Well, silly me I didn't connect the dots. My sugar levels have been fluctuating every single day for 2 months and my weight has been scalling rapidly around 2 pounds a week and my period didn't start. The normal effects of PCOS..Polycystic Ovaries Syndrom. I just never really cared about regulating my period until the last 2 years as we have been trying to conceive and just thought my weight gain was because of the winter and me being lazy (still need to work out more) but really, 2 pounds a week is a little ridiculous for someone who has a fairly active lifestyle. It just sucks. So now, I feel a little more hopeless about becoming pregnant and keeping the pregnancy. I felt so confident we could before, but I also didn't get this HUGE effect from PCOS before either. ( Big sigh) what do you do. We just bought a treadmill a couple weeks ago. I get on it about every other day for a half hour and that feels good and I am back on Formetin and not metformin (I hated that stuff) and hopefully we will see how this goes. But....looks less and less like we will be parents. My hubby and I have considered adoption. I'm all in, he's on the fence. So until he gets off the fence and jumps in my yard......it is what it is. I refuse to convince him to do it, he needs to come to that conclusion on his on. We always agreed we both have to be 100% commited or we are 100% aren't doing it, what ever it would come to be. In this case, baby. By the way, Mother in law is having another crisis. This time it is valid but does it matter anymore? I want her happy but not at our expense anymore.

My Bitch Session....

My in-laws are.....loving and give great hugs but also can look at times a lot like crazy wild eyed pirates who know no boundaries. Let me explain.....So as my hubby and I prepare to take a break to free ourselves from all this baby stuff, we have decided to let nature take a turn again and see if it happens that way in the mean time. When we started seriously trying about a year and half ago that seems to be when my mother in-law decided to kick up the crazy a midge. Let me paint this picture for you....Monday-a tearful call about how she is not getting sex from her husband and hasn't for years and me me me me me me. Tuesday-a tearful call about how she feels so bad about unloading her problems in my lap and she doesn't understand why she would do that to me and me me me me me. Wednesday- a call of exhilaration over having a medically healthy day and in good spirits and she knows how much I care about her and wanted me to personally know she is having a good day so don't worry about her. Thursday-my day off so I take my Aunt in law grocery shopping (she had seizures on the brain as child and kind of stayed that age) for 3 hours as she tells me over and over again how much she appreciates me using my day off to help her. (which she does) and 4 calls from work about random stuff- which I enjoy helping so no biggie, run more errands for me then finally back at home like I had been gone for work all day anyway. Friday-a tearful call about some appointment my mother in law needs to go to and can't get anyone to take her and her hubby and children (my hubby) are so selfish and she did so much for them and me me me me me me. So I then make plans to take her to and switch my days off again so I can use my time for everyone else. I am not even a parent and Lord I feel like one! This is a fairly average week, seriously. On worse weeks, she calls multiple times a day and some are crying calls some are bitching calls and some are apologizing for calling so much. Whew! I think she is an undiagnosed Bipolar individual. We are in the process of getting this determined so crossing my fingers. But.....the thing here is, in the middle of all this for the last 2 years we decided to officially try to have a baby. So PLEEEEEEZE someone explain to me how we thought we could be successful AT ALL with all this additional stress? I mean, for those going through it, the fertility doc's plan isn't exactly stress free. Shots, and pills and waiting then prego test, neg. Shots and pills and waiting, then positive.....then miscarriage. And so on and so on. Really? How freaking selfish the rest of the world can be sometimes. If you know we are going through all these processes do people really think its the best time to call with ALL of their problems every freaking day! Now, these people do love us, they just don't have a clue and they think nothing has changed no many how many times I said " this isn't a good time, I am really stressed and trying to relax" That only last for that day then on to another call.....we should move! lol I don't blame anyone for us not being pregnant, I just blame them for not giving us our time to try fairly.

It's Raining Babies

Holy babies! It's raining babies, I swear! So my best friend had hers Thursday morning at 5:45 am. I must say, watching her go through the entire process-44 hours from moment of induction to birth, 25 hours of total active labor and 19 hours without an epidural, makes me rethink every complaint about not getting the "joy" of pushing a baby through my loins! She was a trooper. I was exhausted watching her so I can not imagine being her. On the next day, my very close friend in Tennessee (It's where I'm from-I live in Illinois now.) had a c-section at 10:00 am and feels great over all and is up and about like its nothing new! This is both of their first child. Then my wonderful friend gave birth to her 3rd child on the following Monday. Now she experienced maybe 6 hours worth of induction and labor. Crazy how different each person is. If I could pick and choose which one I would like to be, it would not be the crazy eyed woman wanting to cut that damn baby out of her!!!! lol, Although, her joy afterwards made it look SO worth it. After all this, this past weekend we went to my husbands coworkers child's 1 year old birthday. Now I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids birthday parties because I think I have more fun then the kids! But......this beautiful Bee themed birthday with balloons everywhere, party napkins, toys galore and even a large banner made specifically for her and surrounded by my husbands coworkers and their tiny babies or toddlers smiling so sweetly happen to be the moment where I temporarily reneged on my whole " I feel so at piece and know we will be fine" attitude. You know that moment where you smile on the outside but are biting your lip to keep from providing the crowd with an embarrassing "look at me, I'm so sad at this moment" moment. Ugh. Not the moment. So I went outside to "collect" myself. But I DID NOT cry! I was proud at myself for that at least! I don't even know what happened. I really felt good and like this will be a great break and I still do so I don't know where in the world that little monster came from. But, I'm back on track for feeling good so....onto another day and lots of joy for my friends with their new families. Weird.......yes I am.

Being me

I have a renewed sense of self!!!!! Its been a fantastic week or so of mental baby break and I already feel refreshed...mentally still not physically yet! My best friend is having her baby in the next day or two and I am so excited. Thats the great thing about feeling at peace with our decision because now I can focus on being over the moon for my close friends happiness, which does mean a lot to me. I can't wait to meet this little bundle of pissing/pooping joy! I can't wait!!!!!!! If you can't tell, I'm only mildly excited. =) lol So for the moment enjoying being me again...feels good.

its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me....and i'm feeling good.

After a really wonderful talk with my hubby we are taking a break for a year!!!!!!! Ok, a teenie bit about my husband and myself. We have been together for 11 years. We stopped using protection 8 years ago. A 1 1/2 year ago we got pregnant and didn't know it and miscarried after maybe 7 weeks they are thinking. So now we have been proactive in trying to conceive for 15 months. We did clomid for 9 months and now at a fertility doc for 6 months. So for us its really been confusion for almost a decade. I am soooo happy to be on mental pause from this. I don't want to time a thing, I don't want to prepare a needle for nothing, I for sure DO NOT want to keep sticking progesterone up my twat! If by some crazy chance it happens naturally with us we will be ecstatic, but otherwise, no invitro for 1 year. ( if you listen you might hear me singing hallelujah!) Don't get me wrong, we want kids. I also want a mental break! ....financial break is nice too! We have paid for nearly everything out of pocket. All meds, IUI treatments, all deductibles, you know, all that good stuff. So mental freedom, not to mention sexual freedom!!!!! This feels great!!!!!!!!!! There are a few things we have wanted to do to the house to prepare for a child and no way we can do that and shell out 9k to have one. ahhhhhhhh, this feels like the best butt rub ever!

Green eyed monster....

Alrighty here it is, the ugly truth...I am jealous. I just got word a friend of mine is 5 weeks pregos. Truely happy for her, but they have 1 beautiful little girl and have been trying for 4 months for another and wham..here it is. Also, my very best friend who became wonderfully accidentally pregnant by her husband is in the beginning stages of labor. Just makes me want is all. I haven't felt this twinge yet and I'm uncomfortable that I feel jealous but by no means do I owe myself an apology either. Screw that. If anything I deserve to have this feeling after everything we have been through. You know on one side.....I actually am okay with the wait because I do believe at some point we will have a child. It may be through adoption or with assistance or who knows even naturally. I am enjoying the time with my husband and my doggies (who are like my babies..truely they are.) and some freedom to go and do what we like and the coveted sleeping in. So for that part its okay that we may have to wait. But for the hugs and funny peeing on us moments, giggles, diaper triumphs and failures, crawling, walking,learning, detentions, dating and watching this person grow up, its exciting to think of having that now not later....but we wait. Whhhhwww..(sigh)

Longest Period of my life!

So...about that uterus....man this has been the longest period of my life! Apparently after 17 egg follicles you bleed clots forever! Gross, I know, but my blog, my words. lol 10 days until test results. I'm excited to either rule things out or find out what is the issue. But you know what the best part of last week and the next 2 weeks is....Lots of unplanned sex with my husband! No timing requirements, no "Hey, we need to have a quickie this morning so we can have just the perfect amount of days of abstinence so your sperm will be right." We can final romp in the sack when EVER!!!!!!! And....no planning a mid afternoon yank for the sperm cup and coming and going from work for it. We can relax and enjoy being just 2 regular people for at least a couple weeks. Nice.

The first blog of hopefully few......

A little something about me...I have a uterus, its not cooperating. So after 3 laproscopy's in 10 years for PCOS/Endometriosis and 1 year of OBGYN clomid treatments, we moved on to a fertility specialist. We just finished our 3rd IUI (artificial insemination) with no success. IUI #2 got us pregos but it didn't attach to the lonely uterus and we miscarried for a second time in 2 years. This week feels lonely. I have been very positive up until this point and I seem to be losing it so....I decided to blog. Might as well vent a little and see if that helps, maybe. We are doing a recurring loss panel (tons of blood test in case you aren't aware) and my hubby just did one to test his genes. It will be about 2 weeks until we know the results. So....until then we wait which is awfully familiar to the two weeks follwing an IUI. Wait...and wait....and wait. Next month we are going to start talking with Doc about Invitro. I'm not oppossed personally, just finiancially. So how bad do we want a child....pretty bad. Insurance doesn't cover all this, so its out of pocket and I assure you savings are great for all this until they are at 0$....and it is. We are lucky enough to be able to manage the funds to do these steps but I assure you we are good at budgeting more than any type of assumed wealth. (plus, hey! we have no kids so money is not as tight! lol) So ..... I guess this concludes my first post to, well me I guess.